The Leaderboard

It seems like a long time ago now I tried online dating with Guardian Soulmates. For those not familiar with GS, there is a leaderboard of sorts that guarantees boosted exposure, self-esteem and, one presumes, dates. Lots of dates with lots of attractive people pulled from the cream of the gene pool (does that phrase work..). They call the leaderboard 'Popular profiles' and there are 20 girls and 20 guys.

Back when I tried out GS, I told myself I would pay for no more than one months' membership- roughly equivalent to what I could piss away down the pub one night getting drunk and not quite scratching together the courage to go up to a girl who caught the eye. A month of casual flirting and dates sounded like a good return in place of one night down the pub. Most of all lots of dates excited me, with people totally unaffiliated to anyone I know.

Early on, I realised the leaderboard was the answer. If I could just get myself in amongst the popular profiles, it would all happen. It's based on the number of people who have added you as a favourite- if more people like you and make you a favourite then you get on the popular profiles list.

Now, I thought I'd give myself a helping hand, of sorts, and devised a strategy to get on the leaderboard. I'm not going to divulge the details of my strategy, but suffice to say it was pretty shameful stuff. Could be seen as shameful, maybe. But, you know, all's fair in love and all that and it's nice not to be on the receiving end of that aphorism, or any love-aphorism, for a change.

The strategy didn't work. It didn't exactly backfire, but it was a close-run thing. I didn't get on the leaderboard.

Imagine, then, imagine my incandescent envy when my housemate tells me she's signed up to Guardian Soulmates and she's on the popular profiles list. Number 17. JUst waltzed on, no strategy, no nothing. To make matters worse, she ran through all of the top 20 guys and told me me which of them had got in touch with her. 'That one...that one...that one and that one...' A good quarter to a third of them. Proof that if you get on the leaderboard, the cream of the gene pool comes knocking (..now that phrase definitely doesn't work). Hmpph.

Ah, Royal Mail

FAILURE

Total failure.

I thought I was the big man in the kitchen. Sure, I've had failures before. Big ones. In this very kitchen, I once tried to bake some white chocolate chip scrumptious something or other, from a recipe on the side of a funky shampoo bottle. A shampoo bottle. Think about that. Don't know why I didn't. Didn't even buy the shampoo. I was working near a concession stall in Harrods that sold the stuff and just scribbled it down one day. Big failure. Big mess.

I thought I was the big man, I've now made three quiches, one a total mess but quite tasty (what was left of it), one a little shallow and one an absolute, chest-thumpingly marvellous success. I've made three quiches and I thought that qualified me to make puff pastry for sausage rolls, from scratch.

I mostly blame Delia.

Delia Smith makes it sound simple. According to her recipe, we neatly segue from,

'coat all the pieces of fat with flour until the mixture is crumbly' (she means butter, not fat, for the record),

to,

'Next add enough cold water to form a dough that leaves the bowl clean, using your hands to bring it all gently together.'


And that's it.

No measurements, no indication of how much water, no problem! according to Delia.

Well, looks like I added too much water, Delia!

You would not believe the amount of information there is out there on the internet about making pastry dough from scratch that I didn't bother to look at, because I had Delia's recipe and it looked bloody simple. Reems of video. Columns and comments and theories. And it all pretty much says, 'Good luck, novice! Hope there's someone there to laugh at you when it all goes wrong and you're left with cold lumpy porridge stuck to your fingers.'

One helpful chap even notes,

'Practice
Everyone's ability to handle doughs, both the mixing and the rolling, increases with experience. If your first efforts at pastry doughs are not successful, refer to the corrective measures described below. Above all keep practicing. The rewards will be beautiful tarts and pies, appealing to the palate as well as the eye.'

Above all keep practicing.

Bloody strawberries don't defrost from frozen either.